Why did the vegetable go to jail?
He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
I saw a dwarf and said, "He costs 2 elixir!"
He called the cops.
Officer: Hi, how high are you?
Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"
Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.
Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.
Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.
What happened to the woman who dated a rapist?
She was date raped.
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
What is black and blue and really hates sex?
The six-year-old in my basement.
My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.
What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?
Ask him to tell a rape joke.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
The school shooter when the cops show up be like:
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?
B minor.
What can happen if you bring a hooker into a stranger's house? He will ask you, "Really, are you nuts?"
Why doesn't the police arrest orphans? Because they aren't wanted.
Random guy: Hi, how old are you?
Me: 15
The guy: You're so young, age is just a number.
Me: Do you know what else is a number?
The guy: What?
Me: 911
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
