"Rape[is] the only sign of world peace in this life."
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
Why can't orphans ever get a car? Because they don't have a birth certificate.
Law is temporary. Syria is eternal.
I really wanna hit you right now, but that would be animal abuse.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just hacked the "chrime."
Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."
Tyler: "Why?"
Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."
What does an orphan not have in common with a criminal?
Criminals are wanted.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
Why did the blind woman get raped?
Because she didn't know she was wearing see-through clothes.
When a deaf person is on trial, is it really considered a hearing?
What's America's best class?
Gun 101.
I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
How to commit arson:
1. Burn down an orphanage.
I saw a Cuban prisoner. I asked, "Why are you running from the cops?" He said, "I'M FREE AT LAST!"
I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.
I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.
What do you call a protest that gets crowded?
Human trafficking.
What is red, white, and blue all over?
A dead cop.
