A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby who?
Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”
What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?
Predator 2.
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
Some people think prison is one word, but to criminals, it’s a whole sentence.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.
What do you call an American house?
A gun safe.
Justice for all!
How can one make Death Row a little more fun?
Musical electric chairs.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.
Why can’t girls in the Middle East smoke weed?
Because they’ll get stoned.
