Language jokes

What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?

“To be or nut to be.”

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.

Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.

How dairy!

Baka!

Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?

It crossed the line with Jesus.

If the longest word in history is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, then it's big cousin would [be] something longer, right?

Nope, something way longer:

BEHO-methionyl​threonyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​prolyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​prolyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​valyl​valyl​valyl​leucyl​glutamyl​glycyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​histidyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glycyl​phenyl​alanyl​prolyl​valyl​prolyl​glutamyl​valyl​seryl​tryptophyl​phenyl​alanyl​arginyl​aspartyl​glycyl​glutaminyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​leucyl​prolyl​glycyl​valyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​phenyl​alanyl​seryl​aspartyl​glycyl​arginyl​alanyl​lysyl​leucyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​alanyl​valyl​threonyl​lysyl​alanyl​asparaginyl​seryl​glycyl​arginyl​tyrosyl​seryl​leucyl​lysyl​alanyl​threonyl​asparaginyl​glycyl​seryl​glycyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutamyl​leucyl​leucyl​valyl​lysyl​alanyl​glutamyl​threonyl​alanyl​prolyl​prolyl​asparaginyl​phenyl​alanyl​valyl​glutaminyl​arginyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​methionyl​threonyl​valyl​arginyl​glutaminyl​glycyl​seryl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​valyl​threonyl​glycyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​asparaginyl​prolyl​valyl​valyl​lysyl​phenyl​alanyl​tyrosyl​arginyl​aspartyl​glycyl​alanyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​seryl​leucyl​aspartyl​phenyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glycyl​aspartyl​leucyl​tyrosyl​seryl​leucyl​leucyl​isoleucyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​tyrosyl​prolyl​glutamyl​aspartyl​seryl​glycyl​threonyl​tyrosyl​seryl​valyl​asparaginyl​alanyl​threonyl​asparaginyl​seryl​valyl​glycyl​arginyl​alanyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutamyl​leucyl​leucyl​valyl​glutaminyl​glycyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​valyl​prolyl​alanyl​lysyl​lysyl​threonyl​lysyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​valyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutamyl​seryl​arginyl​glutaminyl​threonyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​glutamyl​lysyl​lysyl​isoleucyl​glutamyl​alanyl​histidyl​phenyl​alanyl​aspartyl​alanyl​arginyl​seryl​isoleucyl​alanyl​threonyl​valyl​glutamyl​methionyl​valyl​isoleucyl​aspartyl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​glycyl​glutaminyl​glutaminyl​leucyl​prolyl​histidyl​lysyl​threonyl​prolyl​prolyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​prolyl​lysyl​prolyl​lysyl​seryl​arginyl​seryl​prolyl​threonyl​prolyl​prolyl​seryl​isoleucyl​alanyl​alanyl​lysyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​leucyl​alanyl​arginyl​glutaminyl​glutaminyl​seryl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​histidyl​seryl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​valyl​arginyl​histidyl​valyl​arginyl​alanyl​prolyl​threonyl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​valyl​arginyl​seryl​valyl​seryl​prolyl​alanyl​alanyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​seryl​threonyl​seryl​prolyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​seryl​valyl​arginyl​seryl​prolyl​leucyl​leucyl​methionyl​arginyl​lysyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​seryl​threonyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​glycyl​prolyl​glutamyl​valyl​prolyl​prolyl​prolyl​tryptophyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glycyl​tyrosyl​valyl​alanyl​seryl​seryl​seryl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​methionyl​arginyl​glutamyl​threonyl​threonyl​leucyl​threonyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​threonyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​arginyl​tryptophyl​glutamyl​glycyl​arginyl​tyrosyl​glycyl​valyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​alanyl​seryl​valyl​seryl​alanyl​seryl​alanyl​seryl​tyrosyl​alanyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​glycyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​valyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​aspartyl​alanyl​aspartyl​lysyl​seryl​alanyl​alanyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​valyl​valyl​alanyl​alanyl​valyl​aspartyl​methionyl​alanyl​arginyl​valyl​arginyl​glutamyl​prolyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​alanyl​valyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​threonyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​arginyl​threonyl​threonyl​threonyl​threonyl​alanyl​valyl​histidyl​isoleucyl​glutaminyl​prolyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threonyl​alanyl​valyl​threonyl​lysyl​valyl​valyl​valyl​alanyl​alanyl​aspartyl​lysyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​leucyl​lysyl​seryl​arginyl​threonyl​lysyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​threonyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​methionyl​histidyl​valyl​threonyl​histidyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​threonyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​valyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​alanyl​alanyl​lysyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​threonyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutamyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​lysyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​valyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​alanyl​isoleucyl​methionyl​lysyl​glutamyl​threonyl​arginyl​lysyl​threonyl​valyl​valyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​isoleucyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​aspartyl​leucyl​valyl​seryl​arginyl​glycyl​arginyl​glutamyl​glycyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​threonyl​lysyl​arginyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​lysyl​methionyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threon

Depressed should be spelled "depraseed" because then they would be 1, 2, 5, 9.

Wanna hear a joke about cheese? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

What did the skeleton say to his dog at dinner time? Bone appétit!

lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.

Are you sad? Then don't be sad, because sad backwards is das, and das no good.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "Daddy."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Alex.

Alex who?

Lalicks your balls.

I was speaking to a deaf Asian man. I said, "Hi." He said, "Wha yiu sa?"

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.