Know jokes

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:

Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?

Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”

Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”

Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!

Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.

Chuck Norris decided to sell his urine as an energy drink, which you now know as Red Bull.