Know jokes

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

They don't know what a full house is.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

Like if you know someone is emo.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

I know I'm valuable, I come with a barcode ;)

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?

Who else would think of adding gas?

Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?

Because they are aimed at a younger audience.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?