Know jokes
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.
Haha, I fucked you over!
Man: Cow milk is drinkable.
Other man: How do you know that?
Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*
Other man: John...h-how do you know that!
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Memes
water puppy
Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
Do you know Candice?
Nope.
Candice dick fit in your mouth.
Did you know that McDonald's made a Michael Jackson burger?
It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.
What did the blind kid get for his birthday?
I don't know, he still didn't look.
Why are Orphans so bad at poker? Because they don't know what a full house is.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
Why can't orphans play basketball?
They don't know where home is.
Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...
Wanna know why I don’t make suicidal jokes?
Because I am one.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.
I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?