Know jokes

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?

A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

You know, most people take rocks for granite... sorry.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

Do you know Putin?

Put in these balls in your mouth.

Did you know that McDonald's made a Michael Jackson burger? It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"