Know jokes
How do you know that Americans hate exercise?
9/11. How else do you explain hundreds of them jumping to their death rather than taking the stairs?
It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!
Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?
Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!
I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.
I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?
Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.
I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?
Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A sturgeon!
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!