Kill Jokes

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

Don’t kill the Earth, it’s the only one with beer.

Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

If you are a big fan of me, go to the movie and I kill the bad guys. If you don't, I will be mad and I will be sonic.exe lol.

A comic strip shows people dressed in Harry Potter costumes waiting outside a store with a sign that reads 'Midnight Sale'. The text reads 'THE PAST... "IT WAS THE EARLY 2000s. A TIME WHEN WE ALL LEARNED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS AGAINST SPOILERS." I'VE AVOIDED READING NEWSPAPERS AND EVEN LOGGED OFF OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB TO MAKE SURE THAT THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK ISN'T RUINED FOR ME. "ME TOO! I'M NOT GOING TO CHECK MY GEOCITIES PAGE UNTIL I'M THROUGH THE BOOK!" MIDNIGHT SALE SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! -OOOOOOOORRRRE! NOOOOOOOO!'. In the next panels, Deadpool in a Harry Potter themed cloak spoils the book.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.

Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?

Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH

How do you make a mime cry?

You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.

Why did the pencil want to kill himself?

He had no point in life.

I killed a man in '94.

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

How does a skeleton kill a bug?

They SOCKET!

They killed a whole family of crows... It was a murder!

They killed a bunch of ravens... What a conspiracy!

Want to know something? Jason and Michael Myers had to watch their family while they have to live forever. That's why they kill; they're trying to make people experience what they did.

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.