Kill jokes
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
Abortion is a difficult topic for me.
On one hand I support it because it kills children.
On the other hand, it gives women a choice.
Why can't you kill a hooker?
Because they're dead inside anyway.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."
Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.
His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."
What do spiders and Black people have in common?
When they’re black, they kill you.
We're gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
They’re draining the economy doooown!
They’ve spent our budget on weed
and lube to spill Jack’s seed.
They’ve ruined our wonderful town!
We're gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
They have no moralityyyy.
They’re spreading degeneracy.
We ain't what we used to be.
We’ve got to kill ol' no good Jack and Jill!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
but then they stopped at the tippy top to smoke some marijuana.
They went to the store, and got some more, to fetch a “few” more beers.
Next day they came, ran off again, repeat for 24 years.
We’re gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill!
They’ve banked off buying boooze!
They’ll drink and sell the price
at the original times thrice.
Corruption wins, the avg. folk’ll loseee.
We’re gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
Their kids’re in the business tooo!
They’re draining all our banks.
Give 'em well deserved spanks.
We’ve got to kill ol' no good Jack and Jill.
Jack and Jill Netflix and chilled and made a grave mistaake.
What a blunder, there was no rubber, now they’re a house of eeiiight!
A bolt went off, they opened shop to resell their porn and lean.
It all went swell, but for us, well, we’re now an oligarchy!
WE’LL KILL OL' JACK AND JILL!
How do non-binary people kill people?
They slash them.
What'd the farmer say when a coyote killed and ate his rooster?
"No, you ate my cock!"
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What is the best way to kill a special ed kid?
Call them retarded.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!