Kill jokes
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.
What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?
"That is very Wong."
The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"
The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"
- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...
- But?
- ...
Yo mama so fat, she was the asteroid that killed the dinos.
Guns don't kill people, black people kill people.
How do you make a mime cry?
You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.
1273 please kill me, everyone hates me.
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
Yo mama so ugly even bullets refuse to kill her.
I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.
Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.
What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.
Ever wondered how Jesus got rid of the cross that killed him?
Burned it in a hellish fire to make some firewood.
A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"
The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."
Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.