Keep jokes

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.

Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.

Where do astronauts 👩‍🚀 keep their sandwiches 🥪?

In their launch box! 🚀📦😂

Why do people keep saying, "Why did the toilet paper not cross?" Because it got stuck in the crack, because it got stuck in their crack.

Why do more men than women support abortion? So they can keep raping women and the victims will just abort their kids to not have to relive the experience!

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

The sun is out, and the pedo vans are out.

Parents, keep your kids away from ice cream vans. Once they hear the sound, you'll never see your kids again!

Your life literally is as valuable as a summer ant. I'm just gonna stomp you, you're gonna keep coming back, I'm gonna seal up all my cracks, you're gonna keep coming back, why? Cause you keep smelling the syrup, you worthless bitchass nlgga! You're gonna stay on my dick until you die. You serve no purpose in life, your purpose in life is to be on my stream sucking on my dick daily. Your purpose in life is to be in that chat blowing a dick daily. Your life is nothing, you serve ZERO purpose. You should kill yourself, NOW! And give somebody else a piece of that oxygen and ozone layer that's covered up so we can breathe inside this blue trapped bubble. Cause what are you here for? To worship me? Kill yourself! I mean that with a hundred percent with a thousand percent.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry.

Vegans: Save the Earth.

Normal People: We're trying to, but you guys keep eating it!

Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?

In the mooseum.

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

Why did Hitler keep on f***ing England?

Because it had a Great Booty!

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.