Joke jokes

If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

These jokes are weak like the structure of the towers.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

I know a woman who owns a taser. -- She's stunning!

What do you call a depressed group of kids?

Suicide squad.

How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.

Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."