Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
A baby seal walks into a club...
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
People who make puns always get pun-ched by people.
My wiener's small.
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
What did the vegetable say to the other before the fight?
Time to beet your maker.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.
How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth?
You get a good connection.
Stranger: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Stranger: Sugma.
Person: Sugma who?
Stranger: Sugma balls, kid!
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."
What college can Stephen Hawking not attend?
"Stand" Ford University. :3
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.