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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?

At least Hitler actually did something.

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    • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

    The cabinet had sleeping pills.

    I heard a joke about candy bars, but it wasn't very funny, so I just snickered.

    I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

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    • Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

    "These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

    "Oh, cool."

    "This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

    "Makes sense."

    "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

    "Where's Trump's clock?"

    "Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

    And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

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    • Why did Susie fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.

    Knock knock. Who's there?

    Not Susie.

    Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.

    You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

    My friend: What are you doing?

    Me: I'm making holy water.

    My friend: How?

    Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

    I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

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