Joke jokes

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

What do you call an Indian gymnast? Balance Singh.

What do you call the Gray Man in an electric chair? Fried Fish.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."

What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?

There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.

(Just a joke, no offense.)

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

I went to the store and bought Minecraft Java Edition.

I found a village, burned it down, and then I went home and played Minecraft.

A Mario & Luigi joke.

What are the Mario bros' view on child support?

Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.

Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

What do you call a depressed group of kids?

Suicide squad.

What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?

I did nazi that coming!

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Why do women have no need for umbrellas? Because it doesn't rain in the kitchen.

Why can you bully orphans?

What are they gonna do, tell their parents? Oh wait, they got no parents.

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.