My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."
When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."
Joke Jokes
What is the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
What do you call a Barbie doll that’s wearing scrubs?
A plastic surgeon. 😷
A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
"Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it is too cheesy."
"YOU MORON ITS *TOO* not TO, IM GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE AND RIP OUT YOUR PROSTATE"
How much curry can an Indian eat? Until his red dot explodes.
What does an orphan say after a kid makes a "yo mama" joke?
"I don’t have a mama."
I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.
Haha, I have my own joke category now!
Why does this category seem to have the most retold and recycled jokes on this website?
What did one orphan say to another orphan?
"Get in the batmobile, Robin!"
One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."
"Shut up, Brick!"
Q: Why can emos wear dog collars at school, but people can't wear hats? WTF school!
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?
Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.
Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.
Friend: I don't know.
Me: A black market.
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
