I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"
God, I love working at orphanages!
I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage!
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.
My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."
"Wanna hear a construction joke?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Wait, I'm still working on it!"
Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied!
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon.
Donald Trump is getting all the perks of 2020. He got COVID and lost his job.
My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
The teacher once said to some students, "I was an orphan before your principal hired me."
The students said, "Oof, that is sad."
The teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance. She said, "Is anyone missing?"
The students said, "Your parents."
The teacher got offended and later that day quit her job.
What did they call Susan B. Anthony when she was sleeping on the job?
Snoozin' B. Anthony!
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
I saw a kid crying in the corner of the room and I said, "Are you OK? Where are your parents?" and he started crying even more.
I love working in an orphanage.
[God creating sharks]
God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.
Angel: Seems excessive but ok.
God: And make them mean as hell.
Angel: WTF y.
God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.
Angel:...
God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.
Angel: Why do I still work for you?
God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.
What is a suicidal horny person's job?
A butcher.
Once there was a man. A man who had a butt.
Once he was at this job interview and he was going to get the job, but just before the boss was going to hire him, he farted. It was a really bad one. It was 47 minutes long and so loud the windows rattled. When it was over, the man screamed and jumped out the window.
He didn't get the job.
