Job jokes

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station.

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Why was the computer late for work?

He had a hard drive.

If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?"

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Why can't orphans work at SC Johnson?

Because it's a family company.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can’t orphans work at SC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.