Job jokes

Why was the computer late for work?

He had a hard drive.

As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

I did a ton of work, a skele-ton.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Your mama is so ugly, she summoned Bloody Mary.

She handed her an application through the mirror.

What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?"

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Why can't orphans work at SC Johnson?

Because it's a family company.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can’t orphans work at SC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.