Job jokes

Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?

Because every little bit helps!

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Why can’t orphans work at SC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can't orphans work at SC Johnson?

Because it's a family company.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.