Job jokes

Why was Boiling Water hired by NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration) to oversee their Space division?

Because it has at least one hundred degrees.

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

In the morning at 6:30 AM,

Teacher: Who fought in World War I?

Me: Trump & Biden.

Teacher: Oh ok... well good job class, see you tomorrow and study your books.

After school,

Teacher: Oh God those kids know nothing.

"She looks at her clock."

Teacher: And now I am sewed.

What do you get when you cross an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

Rapboat says he has a rap career. Wrap career more like, wrapping burgers at McDonald's.

Why can’t orphans work at AC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We are both lawyers.

What's an orphan's dream job?

A builder, to build themselves a home.

"My name is Osama, I lost my jobba, so I became a BOMBA 💣"

How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?

Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

I saw a kid in the yard and I asked where are your parents.

Then I got fired from the orphanage.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"