Job jokes
Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?
Because every Lidl helps.
You are so ugly, when you went to a haunted house, you came back with a job application.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?
Jah Bless.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Want a kiss, daddy? Want a blow job?
One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.
It got too out of hand and I got spanked.
"My name is Osama, I lost my jobba, so I became a BOMBA 💣"
Toothbrush: I think I have the worst job ever.
Toilet paper: Ya, right.
Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:
"I’m here for the new position?"
Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
How come orphans know how to do laundry?
Cause that's usually the mom's job.
I made a joke about unemployed people. It didn’t work.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
Why was the computer late for work?
He had a hard drive.
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!