Job jokes

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?

They're both inside jobs.

How do you make a plumber cry?

Break his pipes...

Lil Johnny's teacher wanted to play an alphabet game, so she said, "What word starts with A?" Lil Johnny raised his hand fast, but she knew that he would say "ass," so she picked on Sally and she said, "Apple." She said, "What word starts with B?" Little Johnny raised his hand as fast as he could, but she knew that he would say something like "bitch," so she picked on Emmanuel and Emmanuel said, "Banana." She went all the way to W. Little Johnny raises hand as fast as he could again, and the teacher thought of a cuss word that could start with the letter W. She could not think of a cuss word that could start with W, so she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny said, "Wow." The teacher said, "Good job." Then Little Johnny said, "Like wow, two elephants fucking!"

You're so ugly that when you came out of the haunted house, you had a job offer.

Why was Boiling Water hired by NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration) to oversee their Space division?

Because it has at least one hundred degrees.

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

In the morning at 6:30 AM,

Teacher: Who fought in World War I?

Me: Trump & Biden.

Teacher: Oh ok... well good job class, see you tomorrow and study your books.

After school,

Teacher: Oh God those kids know nothing.

"She looks at her clock."

Teacher: And now I am sewed.

What do you get when you cross an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

Why can’t orphans work at AC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

I saw a kid in the yard and I asked where are your parents.

Then I got fired from the orphanage.

How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?

Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

"My name is Osama, I lost my jobba, so I became a BOMBA 💣"

What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.