Job jokes
Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My dad was in 9/11, that's rude, and he was a great pilot.
I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were, and he started crying more.
Anyway, working at an orphanage is fun.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.
Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.
One time I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage!
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
An investigator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blow job.
I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
What do you get when you cross an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.