Ives

Ives jokes

Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”

Person 2: “Seven.”

Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”

Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”

(Based on an encounter I had recently)

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

  • 2

    • Three men are working on a building site.

    Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

    The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

    "By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."

    The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

    "Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."

    The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

    "I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."

    The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.

    The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

    At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

    "If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"

    "And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"

    "And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"

    An African man visits his friend in the US.

    “I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”

    “You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.

    “Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”

    A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

    A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

    "Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

    "Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

    "Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

    "Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

    "Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

    Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.

    Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."

  • 2

    • I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

    What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

    Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

    (I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

    My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

    I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.

    A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"

    It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!

    I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

    Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

    Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.

    Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.

    I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.

    Maybe I'm just too old at this point.