Ives jokes

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

101 pedo jokes.

Why's everything x2, need to get this shit dick off before the coppers come, it's called women taking advantage, you'll shit the bitcoin, 90% percent of pedo's who don't admit they're like kids blame the police, shit your kappas, you only want my veins why don't you inject me with smack, run in with ya black armbands, I've been sized for a million pound, stop giving me strain asking questions, I know what's going to happen next, bet the judge is a women, jealous coz your drink tastes like shit?

Is it coz your shit though? How many bids have you done? Shit 1 million views, don't try bribe me, did the police give me snip? How's my barbie doll or shall I say my little pony? The police beat fuck outta me, what's all these needle marks on my arm, I can tell you want something, why's everything like one big cycle, police own the dark web.

Keep it going on lol.

Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.

We have been cursed by curse-ive.

I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats. They want a handout everyday.

American: I've never shot a gun.

African: That's the first coming from an American!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.

I've done a ton of work today.

A SKELE-ton of work!

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.