Ives jokes

We have been cursed by curse-ive.

I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats. They want a handout everyday.

American: I've never shot a gun.

African: That's the first coming from an American!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.

I've done a ton of work today.

A SKELE-ton of work!

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

He: "Do you smoke after sex?"

She: "I don't know. I've never looked."