Ives

Ives jokes

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

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    • I've been drinking from a tall cup.

    His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.

    Hi! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy!!!! I miss y'all, though!

    Two friends fighting.

    Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

    Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

    I've started playing the triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual.

    I just stand at the back and ting.

    Hello people. I've seen your jokes are as immature as hell. Keep going with those jokes, people. We might earn the funniest jokes on this website.

    So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

    I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

    A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

    Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

    Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

    I suck his dick with a smile for hours at a time.

    Stare at his nutsack while I hold back my cum tonight.

    And when he ask me what position I say, "Doggystyle." (And when they ask me what position I say, "Doggystyle.")

    But the fact is I can never get off of his fat dick. And all that they can ask is (Ask is, ask is) "I just wanna smack it" (I just wanna smack it)

    Here's what the fact is He can put my asshole in a casket (Yuh, yuh, yuh) Asshole in a casket

    So you can see I'm cummin' But you won't see me nut. And I'll just keep on suckin', I'm good (Yeah, I'm good)

    And if he sucks my glizzy I will become dizzy But it keeps us busy, I'm good (Yeah, I'm good)

    I've been twerking for boys for so long I've been flirting with boys for so long

    My jaw's been hurting for so, so long it's real So long, it's real, so long, it's real

    There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!

    I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.