it's jokes

One day an orphan threw a boomerang. It's not the only thing that didn't come back.

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Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

What do you call a cow that has stuff growing on it?

Mosscow

I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just like hanging in the dark.

Sy’kyira (😌): I can’t wait for the therapist to come.

Daina (😊): Same, 30 minutes have passed... I also wonder what that loud sound is.

Sy’kyira (😅): SAME!!! What, does it sound like a woman suffering???

Daina (😌): I know, right?

I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? You nail its other hand to the ground.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Wanna hear a pizza joke?

Ah, never mind, it's too cheesy.

If you were to ask me, "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?" I would say a multi-storey car park, because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

Welcome to Peyton's Orphanage, where you make it, we take it!

Your hairline goes so far back it left before your dad did.

What body part takes the longest to decay? The eyeball, because it will always dilate.

Your mama is so ugly, she doesn't have to flush the toilet. She already scared the shit out of it.