it's jokes
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
Why can't America play chess?
Because it lost two towers.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What is Trump's favorite snack?
Cheetos.
(Get it? He looks like a Cheeto!)
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.
Which president has never gone to jail?
Lincoln because he's innocent in a cent, get it?
Adam and Eve had sex. It was paradise.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
Why is the USA so bad at chess? It already lost 2 towers.
Abortion is not murder; it's canceling a pre-order.
Vegans: Save the Earth.
Normal People: We're trying to, but you guys keep eating it!
I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.
Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
Want to know why some astronomers are gay?
It’s because they want to be in Uranus.
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter; he's not coming.
(Note: this joke is not one of the worst jokes ever because it is obscene or offensive; it’s just a bad joke.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re dead.