IT jokes
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
I once read a book on antigravity, it was impossible to put down.
What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?
Kiss my ASCII!
I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.
Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
What makes genders and Twin Towers similar?
There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive subject.
Why do basketball players hate gravity?
Because it's always bringing them down.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.
Why do orphans always get an iPhone X?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"
She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"
I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"
Why did all the numbers laugh at 22? Because it had "tu tu's."
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
Why did the toilet paper not make it across the road?
Because it got stuck in the crack.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Tell someone that you're gonna say “I 1 poopoo” and it will go in order of numbers, so they say, “I 2 poopoo” & so on:
You) I 1 poopoo
(Them) I 2 poopoo
(You) I 3 poopoo
(Them) I 4 poopoo
(You) I 5 poopoo
(Them) I 6 poopoo
(You) I 7 poopoo
(Them) I 8 poopoo
And be like, “You ate poopoo??! EWW!!”
My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.
Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.