Masturbation is better than rough sex.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.
Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”
What is sex? You put a sex person in someone’s sex.
How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.
"We make sexy time, yes, and every night I tap that."
What do eating a watermelon, rolling a cigarette, and eating a hippie chick out have in common?
Spit, spit, spit!
Roses are red, Violets are fine, You be the 6, I'll be the 9. 😏
Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"
When a deaf person has sex, do they use one hand to moan?
I want to cream, rn.
Do you like Imagine Dragons?
Imagine draggin' my balls on your face.
Her name was Lola.
She was a loner.
At the Copa.
Then I saw her,
And I got a boner.
The next morning,
She couldn't remember if I banged her.
What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
The silence.
Want to do a titcock dance with me?
Riley....I...I think I wanna be more than friends.
I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.
Did you know there’s a sex position called “Amazon”? You wait all day and nobody comes.
