INS jokes
Three boy chihuahua were hot about this girl chihuahua. She tells them, "I will date whichever one of you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence."
First dog says, "I love cheese, but liver is bland."
She replies, "Really original."
Next dog, "I love liver, but cheese makes me constipated."
She replies, "Ew, gross."
Third dog steps up, "Man, liver alone cheese mine."
Winner dog 3.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Yo, so poor that you wash your paper plates and cutlery in a kids' dishwasher.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
If Dusty's dad from Home Alone 2 was in NASA, how come he is not famous?
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
You know you're high when you hold all your pineapples hostage and yell, "SpongeBob, I know you're in there!"
In a normal country, they have lemonade. In Soviet Russia, they have Leninade: "Refresh yourself with a cold war."
I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!
I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"
What do you call a gay person in Antarctica?
Bi-Polar.
It's better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum.
Why was the German in a hurry?
Because he was Rush-ian to get to work.
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
Q: Where do you bury the people killed in 9/11?
A: It's already done for you.