INS jokes
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
What do you call a Scottish Muslim with drug problems?
(Said in a Scottish accent) "Amaffmaheed."
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
If you call the number 800-273-8500 in Afghanistan, they say, "Can you fly a plane?"
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Posts a couple of memes, leaves, does so again in a year
What do ICE and Mexican drug cartels both have in common?
They both kidnap Canadian women!
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
Why does Hitler hate golf?
He would end up in a bunker!
One day, Jim saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. He asked if he was an orphan.
The kid said, “Yeah, what gave me away?”
Jim said, “I don’t see any parents.”
What do angels serve at birthday parties in Heaven?
Angel food cake! 🎂🥳
I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"
One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Why does the Queen have more mobility than the King in chess?
Because it's shaped like the kitchen floor.
Every kid in a classroom is relevant, because if one of them gets shot, they will all be featured on the news.
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
What does a sad cowboy and a supernatural fan have in common?
Both want to put a Winchester in their mouth.