INS jokes
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
The F in orphans stands for family...
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Why was 10 afraid?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?
Because he can’t sniff their hair.
What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years? The letter M.
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a chair.
And a table.
Why is hangman always done in black ink?
To make it more realistic.
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Where do fishes keep their money?
In a riverbank.
Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.
You know you're high when you hold all your pineapples hostage and yell, "SpongeBob, I know you're in there!"
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.
Why was the German in a hurry? Because he was Rush-ian to get to work.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
Why do dolphins live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
Tell your mom I don't like waiting in queues.
Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...
"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"
I suppose that was a fair compromise!
I was in Russia at a stand-up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin, but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice, though.