INS jokes

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

What do magicians and prostitutes have in common?

Answer: disappearing acts.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

What’s one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!