INS jokes

If Hitler was in a car doing his salute, he would be saying, "Take the third right."

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

How would you multiply numbers in octoschool?

You octoply, obviously.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.

Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Interviewee: I fall in love easily.

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...

Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

The next morning,

Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"

The other day this duck came by the gas station. He asked the cashier, "Do you have any duck food here?"

The cashier said, "Hell naw, I got no damn duck food. This the gas station, not no damn swamp, and I ain't ya mama."

Then the duck asked him two more times, and then the cashier said, "For the last time, no, I don't have any duck food here for you, ok? If you ask me again, I will put you in the oven and deep-fry you like Kentucky Fried Chicken."

In America, you work on a plantation.

In Soviet Russia, the plantation works on you!

What’s the difference between anal sex and vegetables? One is cruel to the person getting it in, the other is vegetables.

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

In the Robocide, Explain Bear is the first to go.

In Africa, a koala and a kangaroo were very thirsty. The kangaroo said that when they have no water, they dig a hole and water comes out of it. Then the kangaroo dug, and in one minute the koala asked if there was any water. The kangaroo said no, and the koala had to wait for many minutes. Soon water came out of the hole, and then the koala jumped into the hole and drank water. The kangaroo wanted water too, so he tried to pull out the koala, but instead, his tail got chopped off, and then they never became friends again.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

It didn't; it got stuck in a crack.

Yo hair so big it took me weeks to find the needle in it.

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

Your hairline is so bad, it goes back in time!

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...