INS jokes

What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?

Kids play with both of them.

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

I just got kicked out of the fucking library for putting the women's rights in the fiction section.

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?

A: The ins and outs of child rearing.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; 1 to screw it in, and the other to suck my dick.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

What is the most difficult day in the ghetto?

Father's Day.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!

The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"