INS jokes

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

When you tell your Roblox girlfriend you’re breaking up with her, and then 10 seconds later you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.

The Arabian Sea is in which state?

Liquid.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.