INS jokes
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."