INS jokes
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
What do you call a terrorist in a bath?
A bath bomb.
What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.
Comedy is so woke these days. You can't make fun of any disadvantaged group.
Except people with Alzheimer's. They'll just forget you made the joke in five minutes anyway.
What would Hitler do if he was in Minecraft?
Mien.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
What do you call a terrorist attack in Iraq? A selfie!
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
You shout out, "B-52!"
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?
Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.
What do Call of Duty and Al-Qaeda goals have in common?
You’ve got to get more than one down.
What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?
I pull out of the driveway.
What do renovators and lesbians have in common?
They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.
Q: What do you call a baby in a vegetative state?
A: A tater tot.
How do you think they found out cows produce milk?
Two kids having fun in the barn.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
You know what they call pineapples in Paris?
I don't know, what?
Anus.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
Why is ten afraid? Because he’s in between nine and eleven.
Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?