Im jokes

Me: Hey Jim!

Jim: I'm now a cannibal.

Me: WAIT, JIM! N-

So there was a school shooting in Florida. Why didn't the shooter just go to Disney?.......sorry, I just work there and I'm trying to get people to come on down.

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

Hey, Hunger Games... I'm full!!

This ain't your mama's monologue.

Fake emo: when I’m sad, I cut myself.

Real emo: same.

Fake emo: another piece of cake.

Why the actual f

is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not and no one will know the goddam difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, “It’s too offensive,” or something like that. Goddam, just take that shit somewhere else!

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

When I'm sad, I cut myself...A PIECE OF CAKE!

I left Twitter for a while, and when I tried to log back in, I found out I was suspended. I realized it was a penalty for saying some prohibited words on Twitter.

Sadly, my idol Pristiano Penaldo took the penalty for me and he missed, and now I'm on my alt. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

Okay, 19 dollar Fortnite card. Who wants it?

And yes, I’m giving it away. Remember: Share, share, share! And trolls: Don’t get BLOCKED!

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"