Im jokes

Two mates walk into a bar.

Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

I'm dead! 😂💀💀

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???

Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.

A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"

The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

How does the sea say hello?

It WAVES you.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you saw it.

Don't be SALTY!

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"But I'm not dead yet!"

"But we're not there yet."

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down!

I'm fucking retarded.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

Two wind turbines are standing in a field.

One asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"

The other says, "Well... I'm a huge metal fan..."

When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.