Im jokes
I'm hard right now.
'Cause you're a DICKstraction. ;)
How about that airplane food? I eat it when I'm high.
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Mother.
Mother who?
Fuck off bichon, I'm your mother!
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.
Me: I'm sorry, Aaron.
Aaron: Why?
Me: Your parents couldn't be bothered to look past page one in the big book of baby names.
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.
My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.
Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.
Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.
My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Who are you?
Oh, I'm an orphan!
Oh... bye! :/
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Once I'm done choking you,
You will be too.
FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?
LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?
FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!
LONELY ORPHAN: :(
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
I'm sorry, none of my jokes are very punny.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
At work: Hey guys, I'm gonna Arnold clock out now.
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"
The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."
After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.