If jokes

it's not rape if we're both screaming

If we can't see air, can fish see water?

It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure.

If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.