If jokes

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

If you're ever angry, go ahead and punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He's making a list, He's checking it twice... You better leave out some Vodka with ice!

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.

If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

Euro-peein'.

If we can't see air, can fish see water?

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."