If jokes

If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

it's not rape if we're both screaming

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.