If jokes

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

If you're ever angry, go ahead and punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Like if your best friend is emo.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

Real quick, I'm autistic, and if anyone asks, I absolutely love some of these jokes. XD I found this while doing some research for a paper.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.