If jokes

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."

Joe: "Bi den"

If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked if she wanna. Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and they had a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, now they have a son.

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.

How is spinach like anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.