Humor

Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.

What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

I forgot the joke.

Shresh

A screenshot of a Google search showing the search term "i accidentally built an ogre shrine while watching shrek". Below this is an image of Shrek on a TV screen and an image of a Japanese shrine. Next to those images is a skeleton sitting at a computer with the text "oh god i have done it again".

Why did the cantaloupe 🍈 jump into the pool?

It wanted to become a watermelon 🍉.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Yo mama so fat, she wears Orion's belt!

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Because it's finger lickin' good!

What does a cow watch?

MooTube.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"