Humor

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain.

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.

What goes zzub-zzub?

A bee flying backwards.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!

Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A: Stoners have papers.

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"