Humor

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: To find Pooh!

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.

Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!