Humor

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!

⚠️I’m not racist it’s just a joke⚠️

What do you call four black ppl in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, “to whom.”

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!

What goes zzub-zzub?

A bee flying backwards.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.