Humor

Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...

Girl, scan the code on your wrist!

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

Q. What's a disabled person's favorite band?

A. System of a Down's syndrome.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, “to whom.”

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

⚠️I’m not racist it’s just a joke⚠️

What do you call four black ppl in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?

Trans-fats.

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."