Humor
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
Memes
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
What's the difference between a knife and my life?
A knife has a point.
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?
When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."