Humor
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
What's the difference between a knife and my life?
A knife has a point.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
Immigration jokes just cross the line.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”