Humor

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.