Humor

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?

When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."