Humor

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

Immigration jokes just cross the line.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.

I would roast you, but you don't have any meat!

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In tiny Knotsies.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.