Humor

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.

Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?

The Windows shutdown sound plays.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

You can beat up orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because they looked like me?

Sans: ... Sure.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.