Humor
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?
Q. What's a disabled person's favorite band?
A. System of a Down's syndrome.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...
she died the next morning.