Humor

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!

Why do orphans get offended by dark humor?

It doesn’t hit home.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

We shouldn't joke about rape, because rape is no laughing matter...

Unless you're being raped by a clown.

I would tell you a milk joke, but it's whey too cheesy!

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

Me: What are Lucky Harms?

Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.

Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.