Humor

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

What's in a Michael Jackson hotdog?

A 50-year-old piece of meat.

A 12-year-old bun.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?

The Windows shutdown sound plays.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

You can beat up orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."

"It's a strip steak, sir."

"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.