Humor
What's the hardest part of eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Before the chicken or the egg, there was only Chuck Norris.
Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!
I met a really greedy oyster. It was quite shellfish.
What does a dyslexic zombie eat? Brian's, hahahahaha!
What is a lot?
Syphilis.
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
Mooning is very astrological!
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender.
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.