Humor
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
People who make puns always get pun-ched by people.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:
Sans: "Sub bro."
Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"
Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."
Sans: "A skele-ton."
(Drum effect)
Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"
Stranger: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Stranger: Sugma.
Person: Sugma who?
Stranger: Sugma balls, kid!
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
What do you call a pun that's bad? A bad pun.
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier? “Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”