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My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

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    • So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

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    • My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

    There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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    • A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

    Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

    Guy feels something on his back.

    “Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”

    “Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”

    I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

    So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

    What do you call an epileptic midget that works at Little Caesars?

    Little Seizures.

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    • What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.